Becoming a Student of Your Child

When I was young and before I got married, I worked at Focus in the Family.  I worked there for five years and one of my responsibilities was to listen to the broadcast and write a summary for our phone staff.  I also read all of Dr. Dobson’s books and articles to make sure our phone staff had all the info they needed to be able to answer the phones. That’s a lot of Dr. Dobson.  Sometimes, I tease that I don’t know if I have an original thought regarding parenting or marriage or it’s just that Dr. Dobson is fully programmed in my head.  One of the things Dr. Dobson always said was, “Be a student of your spouse and your children.”. What he meant was that we are to study and know those loved ones.  Not just spend time with them or even spend time teaching them, but to spend time watching them, learning their nuances, their love languages, their personalities, their likes and dislikes.  In studying them we begin to know them at a deeper level, we are able to help them, support them and even do a better job teaching them.  

We have had a fall break and drove to Seattle, WA for a family wedding.  I personally think a road trip is one of the better times for this type of study. Musical tastes, topics of conversation, how they handle stress or exhaustion are all telling.  Even a morning at a beach reveals traits. Collin looks for the perfect skipping rock and analyzes and rejects stones until he finds one that is suitable.  After he throws the rock, he analyzes his throw, the trajectory and determines how to make the next throw better.  He is continually thinking strategically and is planning on how to makes things, schedules and situations better. Caileigh is infinitely curious. She looks for new and interesting things and then wants to show someone her findings.  She and her Dad zigzag slowly across the beach stopping frequently for something noteworthy or beautiful. She searches continually and then wants to know why or how it works.  She is the one who also has facts about almost anything biological at her fingertips.  

I usually fall back and watch my kids.  I note their interests, what grabs their attention, and I file the info to think about later.  I use this information to help tailor curriculum, to help direct them into activities and ultimately to help my kids as they chose colleges, majors and careers.  It’s funny how often I still help Connor in some of these.  He wants me to talk through some of the tracks and internship opportunities he has. Generally, I just repeat the things he has told me about his classes or how certain things he enjoyed and others he hasn’t.  We talk through his God given personality traits and where he needs to stretch a bit. None of what I say is earth shattering, it’s just that I have studied, noted and spent time analyzing my kids and then I can use that to help better support them.

Even with little ones this is effective.  It’s how we decided what to buy for Christmas.  Scott and I would take them to a toy store and let them play and watch what they gravitated to. We didn’t necessarily buy anything but we spent time watching. They may say they want that ‘cool’ new toy but if they spend only a minute or two looking at it and then they spent 20 minutes rebuilding the wooden train set, there was no way I was going to buy the ‘cool’ toy.  

This type of study is also useful is discipline and correction.  Personally, I think a negative consequence is far more useful if it’s meaningful to the child.  Losing technology was brutal for Connor, Caileigh hated isolation and Collin dislike losing the freedom to do what he wanted. I also used this strategy in developing positive consequences for each child.  If Caileigh stayed focused during school and worked hard, we would do an art project. Connor could have an equal amount of computer time each day as the amount of time he spent in piano practice and foreign language. Collin could watch Stars Wars or play video games with Daddy on Friday if he did all of his chores. One size does not fit all. Our expectations and rules were all the same but how we achieved them were not, they were tailored to meet each child’s needs. 

Dr. Dobson is completely right.  To be the parents ( and spouses) that God wants us to be we must be students of our loved ones. 

Keeping Connection in High School -Morning Meeting

When my kids were in Elementary and Middle School we always started the day together.  We talked through prayer requests, prayed together, did Bible together, and started our day together.  When Connor hit high school, his curriculum was designed to be independent and I had only planned to meet with him once a week.  It took me three days into the new school year to decide that I really dissliked that and we changed the structure before the next week started.

Since that time, we have a corporate Morning meeting and then I touch base with each of my kids through out the morning.  Obviously, that was more difficult when Connor was in high school and the twins were not, but it was so much better. 

During the corporate Morning meeting we –

  • Talk through prayer requests
  • Pray together
  • Read poetry – we read the Children’s Book of Poetry and/or the poetry books included in high school
  • Talk about current events- my kids are supposed to read at least 3 news article a week and be able to summarize them. We then discuss. 
  • Go through our daily schedule and events
  • Read aloud. We have read everything from Lord of the Rings, Susan Wise Bauer’s, ” The Story of Western Science” to “A Christmas Carol”. 

Daily Individual Meetings-

I have tried to read at least one to two books in my high schoolers curriculum so that I can have a thorough discussion with them and maintain a connection with their learning.  I also do all the Bible questions out loud instead of  having them write them so that I can make sure they are thinking through the Bible and keeping the Bible verses in context. We go over all their daily lessons and look ahead in their week so that I can help them begin to help them to prioritize their time.  I ask my kids to take thorough notes in math and science and at least once a week  I ask to see these notes to make sure they are thorough.

Does this take more time? Absolutely.  Was it difficult when I had a kid in high school, two in middle school and a pre-school niece at my house? Yes, yes and yes. 

To be able to do all of this and still be able to work with the pre-schooler and then do the twins history and science together, I had to have daily independent lesson plans made for each child.  Each child also had to be trained to keep going on the next task, even when they got stuck, to stay on task and had to learn not to interrupt Mom while she was with someone else.  Generally, individual meetings took less than 20 minutes and I would take questions between meetings. This also meant I needed to train my niece in blanket time.  If my kids were in Elementary, each child had a folder with their daily independent work in it.  Similar to workboxes, but took way less room. Folders had copywork, handwriting, spelling, daily math facts, and math ( if I didn’t need to teach anything).  If my kids finished with their folder, they were directed to read out of the book basket, practice the piano, or read their literature book from the General Reading List which they picked weekly or bi-weekly. 

I found that High Schoolers need more connection and help than the weekly meeting.  They also miss the being together (even if they refuse to admit it), and I find a lot of value in praying together.  I found that the daily accountability was really useful to my freshmen as they couldn’t quite handle that level freedom and needed my help in priotizing and keeping a schedule which included all their extra curricular activities. Training in keeping and following a schedule, making to do lists and looking over an entire weeks schedule has been really vital for my busy college student and my twins who are crazy busy all the time.  They get all their school work done, do their chores, study for Bible Bowl, maintain their social lives, and spend massive amounts of time in leadership at Robotics and have time to sleep because spent time in those early high school years teaching them how-to manage and maintain a schedule and much of that training happened in morning meetings. 

If It’s Worth Doing, It’s Worth Doing Right!

Homeschooling is difficult.  It is a constant balance of doing the have to and the want to, it is balancing being the Mom and the teacher.  It means we balance several full-time jobs that all require our constant attention and still strive to have a well-ordered, happy home that our hard-working husbands can come home to each night.  It is a constant balancing act of plates that could all drop on our heads at any moment.  I live this constant high wire act every day and I understand the strain but I want to add two more plates to the act.  The balance of character training and that of academic excellence.

Often we hear that we must choose our priority in homeschooling, whether we are going to strive for character development in our children or that of academic excellence.  I think this is a faulty premise.  Character training and academic excellence are not mutually exclusive.  They are not an either/or proposition, they can be different sides of the same coin – a great homeschool environment.

One of the goals in our homeschool has been to train and prepare our children for whatever God has for them.  In Jeremiah 29:11 it says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  He has plans for our children and whether they are to be a wife and a mom or a Pastor or a Professor of Mathematics, I want them as prepared as possible to walk the path that God has set them on.  To do that, I believe that we need to focus on character development, spiritual disciplines and academic excellence.

Perhaps we are simply not asking the right question.  Perhaps the question isn’t whether we should focus on character or academics.  Perhaps we need to simplify the choice by focusing on excellence.  The philosopher Aristotle said this, ” We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then is not an act, but a habit.”  Perhaps this is what we need to focus on, striving for  excellence in whatever we do and making it a habit. If we are training our children in character, with patience and diligence, we refuse to accept unkindness or dishonesty.  If we are teaching our children, we refuse to accept a paper that is less than their best.  We need to calmly, lovingly and consistently ask for our child’s best whether we are dealing with sibling rivalry, their bed not made or a math paper that is not done correctly.

Excellence should not be confused perfection.  I love what the actor Micheal J Fox says, “I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection.  Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”  We are not asking our children or indeed ourselves to be perfect, we are asking for diligence and the perseverance to strive to do better.  We are not asking a child to get the answer the right the very first time but to promise them that we will keep going until they have it mastered.  We need to promise our children that they are not alone in this process but that we will be there to stand beside them encouraging and mentoring them.

At the beginning of each year, my husband and I set goals for our children in three areas, spiritual, personal and academic.  We recognize that our children need all three areas to be properly prepared to do what God has for them.  They need to know and love God, they need to be able to get to a class on time with all of their books and be able to to have the education they need to succeed.  We want to stand beside them and say, “You have some wonderful gifts that God has given you.  Let’s work on your strengths to make them stronger and strengthen these areas of weakness”.  Let us not limit our children by failing to recognize that we need to ask for excellence in whatever they do, whatever they say and how they act.


Free Spanish E-Books

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As most of you know, we love Homeschool Spanish Academy.  Connor used them for all 4 years of high school and it gave him the foreign language he needed for credits in college.  It also gave him the confidence to go to several foreign countries knowing that if they didn’t speak English, he could at least try another language.  This actually works pretty well in Europe.  Generally, if someone doesn’t speak English in Europe they will at least speak French or Spanish.  Knowing 2 out of the 3 helped give him the confidence to step out of his comfort zone and do some traveling to Barcelona and to Amsterdam. 

The twins are in their third year with HSA.  One of the things I appreciate about HSA is that the twins are speaking and conversing in Spanish with a native Spanish speaker twice a week.  By lesson 3 or 4, the majority of the conversations were in Spanish with very little English.  This gives me the faith that not only can they read and understand Spanish, but they can converse in the real world.  As a matter of fact, they might be mentoring kids in Peru in Engineering and Robotics over Skype who speak no English. They can reach outside their comfort zone and really bless some kids lives because they can converse in Spanish.  

HSA is offering free Spanish e-books of their curriculum for elementary, middle and high school. Even if you don’t use HSA, you can download the free e-books to use with your Spanish curriculum or even just begin to teach your kids a second language.  To download, click on the links below. 

Free High School E-Book
Free Middle School E-Book
Free Elementary E-Book

Happy Birthday, Love!

Today is my wonderful husband’s Birthday. One of the things I most love about Scott is how he is our kid’s biggest fan. No matter what they are doing, he is interested. I so admire that in him. I am not naturally that way so have had to learn to be interested in what other’s are interested in. He is the first to help them pursue their interests and passions. 

I also love how he loves to share his passions with our kids. They love Astronomy, NASA, Star Trek, Star Wars, basically all things geek and space 🚀 related because he took the time to share them. My kids love Disney, not only because I love Disney, but because he loves me and has made my interests a priority. He inspires me to do the same but I am not nearly as good at it. 

I am so thankful for his joy and delight in sharing not only what he loves but in sharing what each of his loves. I think it’s this in him that has caused our dinner table talk to be more about Space than philosophy, more about Star Wars than Jane Austen, more about the latest Doctor Who actor – wait, no, that is about me. He also encourages all of us to not just talk about our passions and interests but to step in and do something about it. He’s the one to take Connor to Barcelona and Boston to talk about Scratch, he’s the one who’s taken the kids to Space Camp, he’s the one who works extra so that the twins can do all the Robotics trips. He makes me want to be more interested and more engaged. I am so blessed to be his wife.

Teaching that ideas have consequences.

While the twins were at Space Camp, Scott, Connor and I had a mini vacation.  Apparently, being a homeschooled student never ends,  so we drug our poor college student to historical sites in the south.  

One of the things that I say a lot while teaching is that ideas have consequences.  Consequence is defined as, “a result or effect of an action”. Consequences can be either good or bad, they are the result of an action.  We can see in history that an idea, even a little, seemingly innocent idea when brought to its fullness can have dire consequences or can make the world a better place. 

As we have been touring battlefields in the Civil War, we have noticed that there were several ideas that were in conflict.  The idea of a state’s right to dictate their future versus the idea that a strong, united union was a better path for the future.  The idea that all men are created equal versus that only some men are equal.  The idea that home should be sacred and regardless of other ideas, an army marching on my home  should be protected against. Ideas that come to fruition have consequences. 

I use this in two ways in our homeschool. 

1.  When we study history, science or even the Bible, I have my kids try to pinpoint the idea that caused the conflict or that propelled a major breakthrough.  Why did the Romans decide to conquer the known world?  What was the idea that spurred that on? What were the consequences?  One of the positive consequences was that the gospel spread much faster because there were safe travel ways. The little idea that perhaps animals evolved and changed over long periods of time had giant, world shaking consequences. These are questions I asked even when mine were little and doing history narrations. “Why did Columbus want to explore?  What was the idea that made him so insistent?  What happened (consequences) because of his idea?  Okay, now write that down.” 
2. As my kids got older, I started challenging them to not only notice the ideas and consequences of others but to start taking stock of their ideas and start thinking through those consequences, for good or evil.  

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭10:5-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬ says,

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I memorized this verse as a teenager and it has been one of my life verses.  I say it so often that not only do my kids know it, but their friends do too.  We need to take our thoughts and ideas and think through the consequences and determine whether those ideas and consequences are God honoring.  This is how we take our thoughts and ideas and make them obedient to Christ. Teaching Logic as a subject has really helped with this level of critical thinking. I start teaching Logic and Philosophy in 6th grade and teach several levels through early high school.  They help to continue this thought process.  We also read, “How Then Should We Live” by Francis Schaffer to further illustrate that ideas have consequences. 

Resources I recommend- 

Thinking Toolbox
Fallacy Detective
Art of Argument

Philosophy for Kids
The Examined Life
How Then Should We Live
The Story of Western Science
I need to note that I never just handed these to my kids.  We either did them in a co-op or I used them in our morning meeting and discussion time.  We have a morning meeting and prayer time each day and I usually have a book or two we are going through for discussion and critical thinking.  I think this is a vital part of the homeschooling day in middle and high school, training our kids to think.

Family Purpose and Goals

An older post but always pertinent….
Recently, we were challenged to make sure we have a working family purpose. I thought I would share what we’ve learned and how to make a family purpose. Oh, and goals for each of the kids too! The examples are our family purpose, the objectives are our goals for this stage of life and the goals are the kids goals. My poor kids don’t know how often I’ve used them as the example of good and bad behavior! I’ll have to raise their allowance.

Family Purpose


Write an overall purpose statement for your family, making sure it reflects the morals and values of your family. Start with “Our purpose as a family is….” Make your statement as precise and simple as possible.

Example : “Our purpose as a family is to bring glory to God through the love and choices we make as individuals and corporately as a family.”

State in a phrase or sentence an objective in fulfilling your purpose statement. Begin your statement with “to…” and complete your statement in such a way that you would see your purpose statement fulfilled.

Example : “To raise our children to be Godly young men and women filled with integrity and joy, who will be leaders for Christ in their homes, churches and country.”
Education Goals – Years ago, when Scott and I were deciding on our kids education whether to homeschool, private school or public school we sat down to decide what we wanted out of our kids education. We each wrote down a list and then they all seemed to fall into these three categories. 

  • A Biblically integrated education. God’s Word wasn’t merely a subject in the day but was integrated into discussion of literature, history and science.
  • Learning should be enjoyable and engaging. We want our kids to love to learn. Not everything can be “fun” but an attitude that learning new things is something to be excited about.
  • Academically Rigorous. We want our kids to be as prepared as possible for whatever God might have for them. We want to challenge them to be the very best that they can be. We want them to meet their potential, and we understand that this may be different depending on the child. 

Sitting down and talking through what you want your child’s education to be and what you want for them when when the graduate is vitally important. It will help you to decide and stay the course on all educational choices. I have these posted and on those hard days, I refer back to these as the “why I am doing the crazy thing I am doing”. They also help me decide on curriculum. We never buy a curriculum if they do not meet atleast two of these goals. 

Individual Yearly Goals – Carefully consider individual goals for each family member. We make goals in three areas, spiritual, personal and academic (for our children) each year and have three goals per area..

Example : For our oldest son, here are the goals he is currently working on

Spiritual – self control over his emotions and tongue Gal 5:22-23

Personal – maintain responsibility over belongings (coats, piano bags, sports equipment) Eph 6:1-2

Academic – have multiplication and division tables memorized through 12

Carefully consider these goals and make sure they meet these criteria:

1. Are they biblical?

2. Do I have a verse or moral reason why to support these?

3. Do they fit out purpose as a family?

4. Do they bring glory to God or glory to us?

5. Are they achievable? We don’t want to exasperate our children. (Col. 3:21)
Post these in a spot where you can see them regularly and pick a goal to work on weekly or monthly, include your children and them pick the goal they want to work on.

.…A note on how this has worked years later- after having done this for over 15+ years, this has become part of how my kids make decisions. They know how to make goals and achieve them. We have talked and worked on how to make small steps to achieve a big goal. They also debate decisions about things like extra curriculars, college majors, colleges and even colleges based on their goals. It’s a vital skill and has already helped them to become high achievers at a young age.
As parents and homeschoolers, this has allowed us to keep a steady course. The education goals we set 15 years ago have come to fruition. We kept them in mind for every curriculum purchase, every decision for co-ops and extra curriculars and has really helped us to make good solid decisions and not just jump on the newest, coolest thing. 

If I had to give one piece of advice for parents it would be to have a plan and set and teach your kids how to make goals and then achieve them.  

But the noble man devises noble plans; And by noble plans he stands. Isaiah 32:8

Engineering Toys for Girls


The twins at Space Camp with Daddy.  Caileigh was always just as interested as her brothers and still is.

When Caileigh was little, she would have loved toys that taught Engineering ideas but were geared for girls.  She was (and is) a very curious girl so she just joined the boys in their toys but she also loves colors and is artistic so prettier toys would have appealed to her. This summer she wrote, designed and planned a STEAM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Art and Math) Camp for Girls.  She and her best friend taught about Serpinski triangles and then they and the girls made a colorful, giant 12ft by 11ft Serpinski triangle.  She taught them about Fibonacci Numbers and them she had them trace with glitter glue Fibonacci spirals in pinecones, flowers, pineapples and fruit.  They built vibrating art robots and showed how flowers use water by using food colors and carnations.  They helped the girls be curious about the world around them all while showing how beautiful it is as well.  The girls were intrigued and engaged.

Later, Caileigh and I were talking about getting younger girls interested in STEM.  She specifically wanted to figure out how to encourage her two young cousins who are 5. We both feel that it is vitally important to encourage girls to think and play in STEM realms.  We often just encourage our boys in STEM fields but our girls need more purposeful encouragement because the world doesn’t naturally encourage them to pursue these fields.  We talked about getting them toys like she had when she was little but she really wanted to get toys that were girl oriented and we went into a toy store and there they were, the perfect toys.

They all feature girl action dolls who are engineers and they teach different skills and ideas.  There’s Goldie Blox and the Zip Line which teaches about suspension. Or Goldie Blox Craft-Struction Box which has ideas for a ton of projects and introduces the idea of prototyping. There are many more sets, each designed to introduce and teach girls engineering concepts during play.  I think I have several nieces who will be really happy come birthday and Christmas time.  I think they will be extra happy because I know that their favorite people, their cousins Connor, Caileigh and Collin will be more than happy to get on the floor and play with these toys with them.  I also think these might be great gifts or toys for Dads to play with girls.  I know my husband (okay let’s be honest, I would be more willing too) to play with these then to sit and play dolls.


What Boys Need From their Mom

Connor being knighted by his Dad 


I was asked to speak on this topic this week at our church’s Little Warrior Dinner to the Moms of younger elementary boys.  One of the things I love about our church is our Faith Path.  It is a well thought out path that includes parenting classes, child blessings, purity classes, and launching events for our our high schoolers.  It strives to put the church and parents into a partnership to raise Godly children.  Neither parents nor the church can or should do it on their own and it works best when they are working together in partnership.  Whenever I am asked to take part in on of these events, I generally happily accept as I have found it to be one of the most meaningful and purposeful programs our family have been apart of.  Since I was already writing something up for that event, I decided to share it here as well.

When I think about what boys need from their Mom the first thing I think is that boys need Moms who think long term.  So often as Moms, we are in the moment.  There are pressing things to do right now.  We need to do the laundry to make sure the kids are clothed, we need to go the grocery store to feed them, we need to get their homework done so that they can be educated.  It’s all pressing and very much in the right now.  However, if we really want to do the right things for our little men we need to think a little bigger and a with a little more forethought.  I think the question needs to be, “What kind of man, husband, father do I want my son to be?”  When I start thinking in those terms, I see what I need to be training my sons in now.

1. My boys need a Mom who show their Dads and themselves respect.  Boys need their Moms to respect their boyness.  I want my boys to grow up to be men and to do that I need to respect that they are different than my girl and myself.  They are more aggressive, they need to conquer things, they need to best themselves.  They need to be boys who are encouraged to be men. Respect that they are different.

2. Boys need Moms who train them to be Gentlemen. The definition of a gentleman is , ” A chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man” isn’t that what we want our sons to be as men? We need to teach them to open doors, say please and thank you, and take care of the people in their life. I want my sons to be men who are gentlemen. We need to be Moms that train that behavior in our little men. We need to teach it, to play act it, to expect it.

4. Boys need Moms who train and respect the Protective Warriors in the men in their lives.  One of my favorite pictures of all time is of Caileigh and Collin when they were three.  Caileigh is all dressed up in her princess attire and Collin has a shield and sword and is standing in front of her ready to protect her.  To this day, he is her protector, her shield and often the voice of caution to her crazy plans.  Now, I will be honest and say that Caileigh hasn’t always been a big fan of Collin’s protectiveness and we have had to train her to allow the men in her life ( her Dad, her Grandfathers and her brothers) to protect her.  To this end, all of our kids have taken karate for years so that they not only can protect themselves but to protect others.  We talked about that a lot when my kids were little.

5. Boys need Moms who ask them and expect them to do big things in their lives.  Even when they are young. We want our boys to become men who change the world for Christ. Boys also need Moms who know that failure is only a stepping stone to success.  Boys need Moms who allow them to fail and then encourage them to get back up, clean up the blood and try again. True failure is only when you stay down and don’t get up again. That’s how we eventually train boys to do hard, big things.  I like reading and telling stories of great men who did big things but also faced a lot of failure along the way.  Think Edison or Abraham Lincoln.

6. Boys need Moms who teach them how to do chores and expect them to do it.  My boys can clean, do laundry and cook a meal.  They can also mow, use a hammer and put in a light fixture.  They need to be able to take care of themselves and be competent at it.  My oldest actually thanked me that he knew how to do all of that before he went to college because many of his friends didn’t and it put them at a disadvantage.  There have also been times when I have been sick or out of town and my kids, all of them, had to step up and handle the housework and even if they didn’t like it, they knew how to.

Ultimately, boys need Moms who love God, who maintain a relationship with Christ and teach that relationship to their sons.

Here’s a resource that might also help 52 Things Sons Need From Their Moms


Keeping My Cool During Discipline

Sometimes we all need to just take a time out
I often speak about requiring your kids to respond with first time obedience (first time means you say it, they do it the very first time  Posts on first time Obedience ) I did and still do expect my kids to respond not only to their Dad and I with first time obedience,  but also to the authorities in their life.  When they don’t, we have a problem and we try to take care of that right away.

However, requiring first time obedience doesn’t mean that we raise our voice, stop using polite words, like please, with our requests or respond with short tempers.  Our out of control behavior, harsh tones or shouting should not be excused just because our kids are not being obedient.  We need to be modeling how to handle conflict even when we are completely exasperated, tired or have dealt with our children on this very issue for the 453rd time.  Our response is just as important of a training tool as the discipline itself.  Our kids are watching and learning from us all the time. 

Here are some tools I have used to help me keep my cool during times of conflict.

1.  This is not about me. Knowing and sometimes repeating this mantra, “This is not about me.”  When my kids were young, I had a tendency to think every misbehavior was a direct reflection of my abilities.  A wise older friend reminded me that we all are fallen and fall short of the glory of God and we need to understand that our children are sinners and have a sin nature and that our job, as parents, is to give them the same grace and gentle correction that God gives us.  It is not about me but about training my children in the same manner that God trains me. The Bible is clear that a good parent disciplines a child He loves and since I know how gently, but consistently, God disciplines me then I need to afford my kids the same grace.

2. Don’t discipline if you are angry.  I have a time out chair, not only for the kids, but for me.  If I was angry, I had my kids sit on the couch in self control hands while I went to my chair with self-control hands.  My hands were generally clasped in prayer as I knew I needed to seriously calm down before I said or did something I would regret later.  My parents disciplined in anger and as I was a very strong willed child, that parenting crossed lines it should have never crossed and it was damaging to me.  Taking the time to gain self control and pray allowed me to show and train my kids in anger management and appropriate conflict resolution.  A parent yelling at a child, using hurtful words or tones is never good parenting.  Taking the time to calm down and pray is wise and is setting a great example for your children.

3. Set rules, expectations and consequences ahead of time. I found it infinitely helpful in my kid’s younger years to have talked through our rules and consequences of those rules ahead of time with my husband.  We used the Doorpost poster and filled all of it out with the rules, the appropriate Bible verses (the Biblical reason why) and the consequences for each and posted them in several areas in our home.  This allowed my husband and I to be on the same page and the rules and consequences be consistent no matter who was at home.  We shared these with grandparents and babysitters so that the rules never changed.

4. Give Grace. We all have bad days.  We all have days that we just can’t seem to get it together.  We might be tired or in pain or just having a hard day and as I appreciate it when I get grace on days like that, I want to give my kids that as well.  If your children are characterized by first obedience (they are first time obedient 80% of the time), and within the first hour of the day are in trouble for the third time, pull them aside and get eye to eye and just ask them what is going on.  Remind them of the rules and then maybe just snuggle and watch a cartoon together for a bit.  

5. Be willing to ask for forgiveness. Sometimes, I lose it. Sometimes, I yell. Sometimes, I say things I don’t mean. I am a sinner and fallible.  Sometimes, I need to say, “I am so sorry that I handled that so badly. Please forgive me for yelling. I was wrong.”  Whenever I have blown it and have needed to apologize and ask my children’s forgiveness, they have responded with such grace and love.  They humble me and have taught me how to accept other’s apologies. 

Parenting is hard. Training children is hard. However, we are doing more than just disciplining our children, we are training them to appropriately handle conflict with their spouses and children. One way I use to check myself is to ask whether I would be okay with my someday grandchildren be spoken to, disciplined and trained in the same manner I am speaking, disciplining or training my kids.  There have been times that the answer to this was a resounding no and then I had some work to do.  Funny, I have become a much better wife, friend and daughter because of the heart training I have had to do since becoming a Mom.  It’s hard, but worth it.