Month: August 2016

I woke up in the middle night in pain.  I rolled into a different position and pain shot down from my back into my leg and foot and I thought, “Uh oh, that’s not good.  Tomorrow’s the first day of school. ” I got in a more comfortable position and went back to sleep knowing that it was going to be a harder day.

I have Degenerative Disc Disease, basically arthritis in my back.  I have had two bulging discs, steroid shots, back surgery and seemingly endless physical therapy but at the end of the story it just means that I deal with pain in my back, sciatic nerve down my leg and burning pain and numbness in my foot almost every single day.  Some days are better and some days are worse, that’s just how it is.  I have chronically been in pain since the twins were babies, which means our entire homeschool career, I have dealt with chronic pain.  I am not saying this to gain sympathy as when anyone gives me sympathy, it makes me grumpy.  I would far prefer for everyone to just forget I have pain and just let me deal with it so that no one ever knows. However, I was recently reminded that others may gain hope and benefit from my experience in managing chronic pain and homeschooling successfully for 14+ years.  This much sharing makes me grumpy as I like to pretend that, “I am fine”, which is my standard answer when anyone asks me how I am feeling. I have a fun book all planned out to read just as soon as I finish this post to help me be less grumpy about this much personal sharing.

How I deal with it –

Completely ignore it.  No, that’s neither true or helpful but it’s what I would rather do but here’s what I actually do.

1. Take Care of Myself.- As a Mom this bugs me,  I should take care of everyone else first. However, the truth is that to be able to take care of anyone, I have to take care of myself or I will be laid up in bed or have to have surgery again, none of which I want to do. I had to learn this the hard way.  Spending much of Connor’s K year teaching from bed hammered this point into me.  I must take care of myself to take care of them. So, I get up every morning and I do my Pilates.  Pilates helps me to be able to move and function throughout the day. When my kids were little, they did it with me.  I bought them cheap plastic balls to do the exercise ball with me.  They learned how to do the downward facing dog and stretch their lower back.  They thought it was great fun.  I have 5 videos that I trade-off. I keep my weight down as more weight equals more pressure on my back which is bad.  We pay for massages every month to keep my muscles and nerves from tensing up.  My beloved husband insisted we buy a really good memory foam mattress with a moveable frame.  I can take pressure off my lower back and it feels like heaven.  I also have a set of really great Lazy Boy chairs which I sit in to do school, read, write, type, drink tea etc.  I rest every afternoon and “go flat” for at least 30 min a day.  This is one of the reasons we still have quiet time.

2. Use pain killers sparingly but use them if needed. – I don’t like the feeling of being out of control so I just didn’t take the prescription pain killers.  However, after I got yelled at by my Doctor, my husband and my Mom, as I was actually causing myself more damage by walking weird or making it hard to live with me, I did some research and found pain meds I was okay with. I like arnica pills and arnica creme.  They take away the majority of the pain but don’t make me tired or make feel like I have narcotics in my system.

3.  Give Grace. – I have had to learn that sometimes I might be extra sharp when I am in pain so on those extra hard days, I tell my kids that I am not feeling well and then I give everyone around me an extra measure of grace.  I work hard to stop and think about whether this is really an obedience issue or if I am just extra cranky.  This is when it helps to have the house rules clearly posted.  It also helps to have consequences thought out and posted ahead of time.  When I am in pain, I am more likely to be harsh so consequences thought out ahead time helps me to have a measured response.

4. Lesson plans done ahead of time. – Using an open and go curriculum and having all lesson plans done ahead of time allows us to do school even on bad days.  I can sit in my chair, open up my TM and just jump in. When my kids were young, I had notebooks labeled for each day of their week with their independent work so that they could get to work even if I needed to take a little extra time stretching or soaking my back.  As they got older, I made sure to have daily lessons written out for their independent work.  School is my very first priority and it needs to get done no matter how I feel.  ( Barring trips to the hospital, fevers over 102* or throwing up, we do school.)

5. Scheduled Down Time. – I must schedule down time daily and weekly.  This allows me some wriggle room in our schedule and time to rest.  I have to schedule it or I won’t do it.  I am a completely type A personality so I would rather go, go, go but I just can’t and I need to be wise and know my limitations.

6. Let Others Help or Even Know I am in Pain.-  This goes against everything in me.  “Nope, I am fine” is my mantra but there are a select few that know my ‘pain tells’ that I am mostly comfortable to go to for prayer and for help. They include my husband, my kids, my Mom, and my best friend.  They also have the freedom to tell me to go lay down, ask if I need pain pills, get me a cuppa tea and/or ask me if I need to cancel something on my schedule.  That last one I don’t handle well at all but I work hard to try to be reasonable.

7. Planned Crock Pot or Freezer Meals – My pain level is usually the worst by 3 or 4 so standing up and cooking can be torturous.  Having meals in the freezer or throwing something in the crock pot helps to alleviate that and gives me time to rest before all the evening activities.  When my kids were little I went to one of those places that you put 12 freezer meals together in an afternoon.  It was worth the extra cost for someone else to do the shopping, planning and chopping for dinner as it was way more expensive and less healthy to go out to eat.  I think now they just deliver the meals to you.  Now that my kids are older, I just have them help in the prep or I do it earlier in the day.

8.  Be organized! My cousin has dealt with chronic pain/chronic illness all through her kids growing up years and I learned a valuable lesson from her, organize like mad.  Her meals are planned, her kids schedule is planned and her house management is planned.  Her chore chart is a beautiful thing.  I aspire to be her but since I am not as naturally organized, I have a looser schedule but I have one none the less.  I make sure we straighten up each day, school stuff put away, dishes done, kitchen straightened up, some laundry done and some household chore each day.  My kids know how to do a “15 minute clean up” which is basically when we rush through the house putting everything in its place.  If we do this everyday, the house stays basically tidied.  We do a five days of school in four so that on Fridays, we sleep in, have fun cereals for breakfast, watch some cartoons and then clean the house.  We do bathrooms, dust, vacuum, clean the kitchen, our bedrooms and I have us focus on one room or area each week to go a little deeper.  This schedule also helps as my daughter has to take her very nasty autoimmune drugs on Thursday night and she needs extra sleep the next day. I try to do one extra cleaning thing each weekday so that Friday doesn’t get too long.

9.  Tea.  Having tea helps everything.  Oh, and a good book.  Tea and a good book almost solves everything.  Okay, it might not be tea and a good book for you but having something to reward yourself with helps to get through a tough day.  I shamelessly reward myself with tea and a book when I have done all the things I needed to.

10.  Recognize that Everyone Has Issues – Sometimes it can feel like I am the only one that has to deal with this kind of pain AND homeschool.  Sometimes it just seems like everyone has it easier and does it better but that’s just not true.  Everyone has something.  Paul talks about having a thorn in his side and I just figure this is mine.  I want to give it to God and let it help me be more patient with others as I don’t know what’s going on in their life.  I think God uses it to help me to remember that people are more important than getting things done.  If I just need to sit and have a cup of my tea with my daughter or watch a movie with my husband then maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.  I don’t think I would slow down enough to recognize that my loved ones need me to just be with them otherwise. It helps to give me perspective and patience and empathy.  None of which are natural strong-suits of mine. I am grateful for the learning lessons that it affords me, I am also grateful that this is not my forever body and one day looking down at the water I just spilled and wondering if I could just leave it because bending down might just kill me, will not be an issue.

*** throwback post*** God continues to amaze us and how He is choosing to use Connor.  This summer, Connor is an intern at the MIT Media Lab in Boston and is doing really well.  

I am really looking forward to doing Experiencing God with the twins. I can already see God’s hand in their lives and I look forward to seeing what He has in store for them.

This past year Connor and I went through “Experiencing God” together.  One of the things that struck Connor and I was the picture that God is always moving, He always has a plan and we need to move to where He is moving.  So often we hear, “Well, you should wait until God shows you where you are to go.” and while that may be true in some cases,  Connor and I were convicted that sometimes we just need to get on God’s moving sidewalk.  God is already moving, He already has a plan and sometimes we just need to start walking in whatever direction God seems to moving towards.  It is far easier to steer someone who is moving than to steer someone who is at a complete stand still.  Since Connor was a baby we have told him Jeremiah 29:11, 
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.””  

We have always wanted our kids to be excited and challenged by the plans that God has for them.  We have told them Isaiah 32:8, ” But the noble make noble plans, and by noble deeds they stand.”  We have told them that they can do the hard things, they should strive for the impossible, they can change the world for the better, for God says that all things are possible through him.  We have tried to prepare them spiritually and academically.   We have asked them to be excellent in whatever they do because we want them to be prepared for when God’s plans start moving them.

I always thought this was to prepare them for college and beyond.  You know, for when they aren’t kids.  To properly prepare them for when they are adults.  You know, many years from now.  Not now.  For the future, very distant future.  You know, for when I was ready, umm, I mean when THEY were ready.

Apparently, God had other plans, good plans.

Click to see one of Connor’s Projects
Click to see one of Connor’s presentations.

I surprised my wonderful 15-year-old girl today.  She looked at me with shock and a little dismay.  She asked me if she was allowed to do something and I responded with, ” Well, that’s probably not up to me anymore, that’s a decision you should make.  Should you do that?” The first time I said that to Connor he responded to me with, ” I would rather you just tell me what to do.” I laughed and said, ” Yes, that would be easier for you but it is now your job to decide and to step in and follow God.”

Part of the reason my kids are so surprised by my stepping back is that I have been the driving force in their life.  I am an obey the first time, ‘but Mom’ has been banned in our hours for years, be kind or you will answer to me, I don’t threaten, I promise, kinda Mom.  I am not a yeller or a screamer but break the rules and the posted consequences will happen.  Whine and complain and you will have a taste of apple cider vinegar for not using pleasant tones.  Complain about being bored and I will find a toilet for you to clean.  I believe in working hard and then playing hard, but if you forget the work hard part, you will not be playing.  If I say no, I mean no. If I say yes, I will do everything I can to make that happen.  That’s the Mom I decided to be years ago.  We run a tight ship during those young years.

I firmly believe that in those early years, it is our job as parents to make clear rules and follow them.  I believe we should teach our kids the Biblical or moral reason why we do the things we do.  We need to make the Bible the clear answer to why we do the things we do.  We speak kindly and pleasantly because Proverbs says, ” Pleasant words are sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”  We treat others things with respect and even better than we treat our things because the Bible says we are to ” Love your neighbor as yourself”.  We obey right away because it says in Ephesians, ” Obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.”

We work hard in those young years to hide God’s Word in our heart and we work hard to not merely be hearers of the Word but doers of the Word.

There comes a time, though, when we need to loosen the reigns and start letting our kids lead.  In our house, it seems like it starts happening around 15 or so.  Puberty is mostly over, their hormones start settling down and they start living what they believe. Then it’s my job to back off and let God.  I become an advisor, not the leader.  I am the coach on the sidelines. Will they make mistakes?  Yes.  Will they have some failures?  Absolutely and I think that’s good. It’s hard but it’s good.  I want those first mistakes and failures to happen while they still live under our roof so that we can help them mitigate the consequences and teach them how to get up, shake off the dirt, deal with the hurt and try again.  I also want the chance to be able to see is there are any major gaps in their learning and have time to fix that.

It reminds me a little of how I educate my kids.  When they are in grammar stage ( earliest learning – about 5th), I teach them straight facts, yes and no, make sure they know their math facts, their phonics, know their grammar rules.  In the Logic stage ( Middle School), I start teaching the why’s of all those facts, we start to make connections, they decide what they think about those facts, they start taking baby steps in independence.  In the Rhetoric stage, ( High School and beyond) they take what they know and make it their own.  They not only know what they think about those facts, they have opinions and start sharing those opinions.  They take what they know and start to think about how they want to change the world.  They should be managing their time, their assignments and books.  The early years I have the reigns and the plans but by high school, I need to be letting go and letting them take the lead.  The key to this is to teach and discipline when they are young.

There are a few resources that were helpful to us when our kids were young.  I need to note that I didn’t follow any of these things 100%.  I took everything and tested it against the Word of God. I also took everything and thought about it and tested it against what I knew of my children and their personalities.  Personalities do matter when training your kids.  Our expectations of each of our kids have always been same but not how we get there. Having twins with opposite personalities trained this into us fairly early.

****clicking on the colored links will take you to the Amazon page for that resource.  This helps me to fund this page. Every resource I recommend I have used and I own, in several cases, I own multiple copies.

I Want to Enjoy My Children – I worked through this book when Connor was an infant.  It was the very first parenting book I ever read and it really spoke to me about the parent I wanted to be and the desire I had to enjoy this whole scary parenting thing.

Hints on Child Training – I originally bought this book because the author is the grandfather of Elisabeth Elliott and I loved the story of her life and had read many of her books.  However, once I got into it, I really appreciated his perspective.  One of the things that struck me was how he spoke about the fact that every time you ask your child to be obedient they do have a choice.  They can choose to obey you or they have the choice not to.  I am not taking away their choice, I am just following through on my word.  This thought helped me think through my opinion on Love and Logic parenting.  Some of the wording is a little archaic but it’s worth it.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart – This book really helped me when I was dealing with a very strong-willed girl.  It felt like we butted heads every single day and I was very concerned that I was going to ruin my relationship with my sweet little girl.  The idea that I needed to look at heart training versus behavior modification was life changing.  It helped me to pick my battles and focus on what really mattered.  As a cautionary note, the author promotes the idea that spanking is the only viable discipline technique and it is one I found completely untrue.  Spanking was NOT the most effective technique in our home.

Everyday Talk – This book changed me.  I realized that how I spoke and thought about everyday things affected my kids.  As I am very verbal and my tongue is my biggest sin issue, this book helped me to further tame my tongue and to think about what I said in context of how it might affect my kids.

Creative Correction – This simply was a great book to help me think of ways to provide consequences for my kids.

Spiritual Parenting – I helped teach this book in a parenting class at church this spring and I found that it closely aligns to my own ideas and thoughts in parenting.  It didn’t always give the most practical how to’s to accomplish those ideas but as a foundational philosophy of parenting, I found it pretty right on.

Babywise  – I hesitate to recommend this series of books because I have found far too many parents take the series and use it far too legalistically.  However, this whole series has really practical tips.  Self Control hands?  Genius.  The Umbrella of Obedience?  Really helpful visual tool to help my kids understand that stepping out from our covering and the covering of God’s protection is not in their best interest.  Take the tips and use them but don’t fall into the trap of making this your parenting Bible.  Your only parenting Bible should be the Bible.