The seminar and article I get the most questions on is from, “Ten Practical Things Every Homeschooler Should Know” so I thought I would start with that.
Today we are going to talk about Parent Training.
“The reasonableness of the command to obey parents is clear to children, even when quite young.” – Noah Webster
One of the very first things I ask Moms who are stressed and overwrought and clearly at their wits end with this crazy homeschooling thing is, “ If you ask your child to please go to the table and sit down, what happens?” and the second thing I ask is, “How many times would it take of you asking before your child would do it?”. More often than not, the answer comes with a pause and a stammer or even an answer that it depends on the child’s mood that day. Children that do not obey right away make homeschooling 10 times harder than it has to be and if you have more than one child, that can make it almost impossible. Consider this scenario –
“Johnnny and Susie, please come to the table and sit down. We are ready to start school.” Mom asks. Johnny and Susie keep playing with the legos with no acknowledgement or sign of movement.
“ Kids, it is time for school. Come over. I have fun activities planned for today.” The two briefly raise their heads from their toys at the mention of fun but quickly go back to playing.
“I said, it is time for school, don’t make me count to 3!” Mom’s voice starts getting louder. Finally, Mom comes over and takes their hands and puts the toys down and makes them come to table all the while the two have begun to wail which then wakes up little brother who has been taking a nap. Mom struggles to get them to table and hopes the baby goes back to sleep so she can do school. Mom is stressed, the kids are whining and crying and it is only the beginning of the day.
The calm, wonderful school day Mom has meticulously planned is now shot to pieces and she just does the best she can to teach the have-to’s in the remaining time. Anyone would have a hard time teaching phonics and math to children who won’t even come sit down at the table. It becomes more about just getting it done than really teaching and educating. One of the interesting and more difficult parts of homeschooling is the fact that we are educating and parenting. We are training their minds and their hearts at the same time. You don’t stop being the Mom when school starts, you just add the Teacher hat to the mix.
Now, before we go any further, I know that some of you are thinking, “Dawn must have compliant children. She clearly doesn’t have any strong-willed children.” Not true, AT ALL. We are blessed with three children, Connor, and the twins, Caileigh and Collin. My husband often says that if we would have just had Connor we would have thought we were the best parents ever. We said, “No”, and he stopped. We could look sternly at him and he would apologize. Then we had the twins. Caileigh, bless her sweet heart, is definitely my child and that is both a blessing and a curse. I often heard growing up, “ I hope you have a child just like you!” and I did. Caileigh does her own thing, in her own time and is willing to let you know when she doesn’t like something. Her twin, Collin, sees everything in black and white and while mostly obedient, if you do something that he sees as wrong ( like turning the cartoon off while he was watching), he will hold a grudge all day long. I understand, really, I do. That’s also why I know this works. I read all the books, went to the seminars, talked to the leaders and gathered all the information I could.
So what is a mom to do? Plan to spend the summer training your children in first time obedience, no whining and complaining and cleaning up after themselves. What if you are in the middle of the school year? Then start where you are. You can schedule homeschooling light for the next few weeks, take a week or two off or pare down on activities for the next several weeks. It can be done in the school year, it just might take more of your time, emotions and energy than usual.
Parent Training
First things first, we need to do some parent training. I would suggest you take a week before you start on child training to train and prepare yourself and possibly your spouse.
In my experience, one of the most powerful and helpful parenting Bible verses is Matthew 5:37 which says, “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and your ‘No’, ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
When my children were little, I was challenged to really put this into practice in my home. It meant that I had to take a moment and think about what they were asking and what my response would be. It meant that if I said,’Yes’, I was committed to doing what I said I would do. If I said I would make cookies, then I did. If I said they could play with playdough I needed to be prepared to help get out all the playdough toys and set them up outside on the patio. (I can not deal with playdough in the house. It makes me crazy) If I said that as soon I was done folding the laundry then I would take them to the park, then I did. Sure life can get crazy and sometimes things happen but I tried to be very careful to keep my word. I wanted my kids to know that I when I said I would do something then I would. I didn’t need to promise because my kids knew that if I said ‘Yes’, I meant, ‘Yes’.
This took me a little time to adjust to as I really needed to think about it before I said, ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. I had to weigh out all that I had to do, what other expectations I had on my time and what was most important that day. Had I spent enough time with the kids or had I been too focused on other matters. Did I have company coming and messy kids what the last thing I needed? Was there a moral or Biblical reason to say ‘No’, or was it just because it might annoy me. This last statement was one I was also challenged on, did I just say ‘No’ to things because I just didn’t really want to deal with it or did I have a valid reason to say, ‘No’? Don’t get me wrong, there were days when I said, ‘No’ and then I told them, “ Mom, really isn’t up to it today. Can we do it later in the week?’. I really tried to limit the ‘Nos’ that had more to do with what I felt like then really whether it was a bad idea.
Saying, ‘Yes’ is far easier than the concept of saying, ‘No’ and meaning it. Your ‘No’ as parent must hold weight. If I tell my kids, ‘No’ they understand that I am willing to follow up on the ‘No’. I do try and give them a why with the ‘No’ so they can learn the whys behind my ‘Nos’ and hopefully begin to see the wisdom and pattern in my ‘No’.
“No, you may not take the toy away from your sister because that is rude and the Bible says that love is not rude”.
“No, you may not play with your brother’s toys as it is not yours. We must love and respect your brother enough to ask before we touch his things.” I said this a lot to the twins who wanted to play with their older brothers cool toys. Actually, they still want to play with his cool toys, but they now ask before they touch.
When I said ‘No’ to my kids, I had to be willing to follow up on whatever the consequences might be. My ‘Yes’ meant ‘Yes’ and my ‘No’ meant ‘No’. I didn’t count to three, I didn’t ask several times because they needed to know that I meant what I said and I was willing to follow through. Was this fun? Absolutely not. There were days when I met my husband at the door and said, “The kids are sitting and reading on the couch, dinner is on the table and I won’t be back until they are all in bed”. Saying ‘No’ and meaning it means that your children will test you on your ‘No’ and you have to have to have the fortitude to follow through. It will be worth it though. I don’t get angry and I don’t raise my voice but my kids know when Mom says ‘No’ she means it and they very rarely challenge that anymore. It makes our home and much more peaceful and pleasant place.
I think that this is very first step in having your children listen to you both as a parent and a teacher and it is up to the parent to determine in their heart and mind to follow the Bible’s advice.
Categories: parenting