About 15 years ago, when my kids were very little, Scott and I took a parenting class led by good friends of ours. During this class, the very talented leader made us these adorable magnets for our fridge to help remind us of the things we had learned. This magnet has been our fridge since. Long past the age when we had finger paintings and soccer schedules on the fridge, this remained. As a matter of fact, it occupies one of the few spaces on our beautiful Stainless Steel fridge that can hold magnets. It has become part of who we are as a family, and a daily reminder of the parents we want to be.
- Verbalize Family Identity – Through the years we have used this idea to create statements about our family and who we want to be . Things like, “We, Hudsons, work hard and then we play hard.” “We, Hudsons, have family movie nights.” “We, Hudsons, volunteer together,” “We, Hudsons, never give up, we might fail but we don’t stay there.” “We, Hudson’s, love Jesus and others, in that order.” “We, Hudsons, go to Star Wars movies on opening night.” We say them out loud and then we do them. When the kids were younger, we said them a lot. Sometimes, it more about who we wanted our family to be rather than who we were at that moment, but it helped us to remember to be deliberate in creating our family identity.
- Show Ongoing Love for Spouse – This always reminds Scott and I that one of the very best things we could do for our kids is to love each other and keep our marriage strong. This meant we had to make our relationship a priority. We traded kids with a friend on Fridays so that each couple had a Friday afternoon and evening alone twice a month. We budgeted date nights, even when finances are tight. We begged the grandparents (we have the best grandparents) to take our kids for at least a weekend, if not a week, each year for a vacation (even a staycation was a wonderful thing) alone. We tried to spend 15 to 20 min each evening chatting together while the kids played quietly to reconnect each day. We make each other a priority.
- Understand and Respect Your Child’s Private World – This, for me, was the idea that God had designed and created these little people, They weren’t blank slates, they were to be respected as little people with minds, hearts and gifts given them by God and my job was to help mold that, not create that. Charlotte Mason was a Genius is a blog I wrote with this in mind.
- Keep Those Promises! – If I told my kids we could go to the pool, I did everything in my power to do that. I thought carefully when I said yes or no ( No’s had to have a good reason, because I wanted them to understand why I said No.) and having a good and clear written schedule helped me to know if I could say yes and then I made it happen. They could trust my word and I asked them to do the same. I wanted them to be little people of their word. If they said it, they needed to follow through, but it needed to start with me.
- Allow Freedom to Fail – This one’s hard. It’s hard to watch our kids fail but it’s in failure that they learn the most. We must not save them every time. One of our rules for school was that if you didn’t get your work done (because you were dawdling or distracted) then you were not able to participate in extra curriculars until it was done. Several times, Caileigh sat on the side of the soccer field while her team practiced and she finished her math drills. Once she was done, she could run right on the field to practice. I didn’t make excuses for her, I just let her feel the pain of that and then she became much more diligent. There have been several times in a project where we have cautioned our kids and allowed them the choice to follow our advice or not, and we watched as they failed. We didn’t allow them to stay there though, we helped them up and figured out how to make it successful because, “Hudsons don’t quit, we try again.”
- Be An Encourager – As my love language is words of encouragement, this one is easier for me. However, I wanted to make sure I was encouraging the right thing. “Way to be brave and speak up” or ” I really appreciate how hard you worked to get that A” versus, ” You are so smart”. I wanted to encourage good choices and right behaviors so I tried to use those moments to cement that it’s the choices we make that make us strong.
- Hugs! Hugs! Hugs! – Unconditional love was not something my family did well. Their approval, love and acceptance always felt dependent on what I did, not who I was. I want my kids to know that they are valued first and foremost because they are beloved children of God, and secondly, because they are beloved children of ours. No matter how hard the day was, and there were some doozies, they were loved. We never ended the day without a hug, a snuggle and an I love you.
- Build Relationships on God’s Word – This meant to me that I needed to know God’s Word, hide it in my heart and use it to parent. When we taught not to whine, we used, “Pleasant words are like honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” When we taught obedience, we used, “Children obey your parents, This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you all the days of your life.” We also remembered the verse after that, “Parents, don’t exasperate your children.” We memorized, ” Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, your soul and mind. This is the first and greatest command and the second just like it, love your neighbor as yourself.” We, as parents, work to submit and obey God’s Word and then we ask our kids to. We want to model it before we expect it. We also allow our kids ( respectfully) to hold us accountable when we aren’t following His word. Connor called me on, “Let your yes, be yes, and your no, be no”, several times as I am very fond of using sarcasm. We wanted them to understand that we are accountable to the same God as they are, and that none of us are perfect but we can work on it together.
I don’t know if you can create as adorable of a fridge magnet as the one I was given, but I would encourage you to post your, “Parent’s Mandate” in a place where you can see it everyday. I also used to have the top three reasons I homeschooled right next to this magnet as there were days when I desperately needed reminded of why I parent they way I do,and why in the world I would do this crazy homeschool thing. I am so glad I chose to do both, I have very few regrets of how I spent my days.
